your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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