cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
