I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
