Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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