dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
