when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
