Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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