The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
