You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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