I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
