genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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