I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
