I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
