You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
