I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
