Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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