im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
