I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
