As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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