So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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