Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
