Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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