i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don't make any sense
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