Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
