Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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