I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
