all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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