My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Someone stole a lamp last night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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