That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
