"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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