I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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