Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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