I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
