Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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