My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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