There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
