i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
