True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
we're so committed to being not committed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
