I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
