She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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