tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
