I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
