I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
