Tell her she can't have a vagina
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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