If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
