My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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