My room smells like vodka and shame
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
