She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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