the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if only i could text you this smell
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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