Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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