that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
