Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Mom said you looked used
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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