The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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